Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
