I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
