I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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