I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just had sex on a roof
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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