She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
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My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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