You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
