My room smells like vodka and shame
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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