new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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