it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
