just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
