Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
