If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
