i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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