i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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