but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
