I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
