Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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