party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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