You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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