so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
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You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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