Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
