I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
