The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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