mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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