Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
