I think my vagina is haunted
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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