When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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