Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
