Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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