How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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