I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
