That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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