Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
