Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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