hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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