I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
