dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
