He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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