Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
