I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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