I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
