When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
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Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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