I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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