If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
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He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
All the doctor said was why
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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