dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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only you would photoshop your dick
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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