Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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