Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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