He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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