did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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