Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
