like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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