I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
