I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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