you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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