My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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